heavy

My heart is heavy. Things here are so stressful sometimes and at times I just can't help it, my heart is just heavy. Do you know the feeling? When it literally feels like your heart got 30 times heavier, it feels like it's just weighing you down? Yeah, it's not so fun.

Josh and I are continually putting our faith in God. That is all we can do in the end anyway. We are trusting that things will work out for the best. Sometimes we don't pray for all the things that we want, even though the urge to do so is sometimes so great. We pray that God will just simply do what is best for us... which is sometimes the hardest thing to pray. When we pray that, it makes it so much more real that we don't have control over our lives, we don't always have a say (not saying we never have a choice, but circumstances don't always give you a say), that we're giving all control, all decisions to Him. 

See, I like to have things under control. I hate it when things are just chaotic. Packing for a move always starts at least a month in advance, with each box labeled with it's contents. I do the bills in the family because I know exactly how much is owed, on the specific date it is due and I will always pay early if I can help it, I don't want to leave it to 'chance' that I would try to make it in just on time and then it turns up late. I am a horrible back seat driver... especially if Josh is driving because he gets so distracted and either slows down a lot or speeds a ton without realizing it. Though some people may say my house is completely messy, there are things that will always be in place. The labels to all cans or jars in my cupboard are always facing forward, my hangers/clothes will always hang the right way in my closet, and if I do clean my house, like a true, deep cleaning, things will be perfectly lined up, color coated, teddy bears lined from biggest to smallest or however it looks the cutest, I will even organize the contents of my kitchen drawers, ect. (Side note on my house though: Because I know I can be very anal I try very hard to limit myself, which is why you will probably find my house rather messy, because once I start I sometimes just can't stop. I figure it's better to have a messy house and play with my baby then to spend all day organizing things and making things perfect.) I like to have things under control. I'm not going to lie, I just do. So to pray "God, we trust you, just do what is best for us because we just don't know" can be very hard, but we're doing it. 

Things here are just... what's the perfect word... sucky maybe... sure, that one works. Things here at the school can sometimes just suck and are constantly changing. When we got back Japan a little over a week ago things had changed so much, and I think they have changed every day thus far. Let's see, first...

...they (the school) said that if they didn't have work for the teachers then they weren't going to get paid.

...they then told everybody that yes, they may have said that they were going to be able to pay us until November, but now, next month they are only going to pay us half.

...then they told us that if Josh wanted to get paid for all of his comp days that he acquired over the summer, he needs to take them within the month of September because other wise he would loose them or just get half pay for them. Now Josh has the next three weeks off.

...then they told us that Josh was going to be working for somebody else, doing online classes, but Josh went on his forced vacation and couldn't do the interview and training so that is now a no go.

...then they had all the teachers sign a work insurance. We pay $15 a month and we are supposed to be guaranteed pay until our contract is up...

...then the guaranteed pay was really only until the end of October...

...then the guaranteed pay was only until December...

...then the guaranteed pay was only until November...

...now we just don't know when it is til' because we've heard so many different things.

...they had told everybody to look for new jobs, which we are still trying to do because we want to get out of this place. Then they must have realized that if all of their teachers left then the school would go under for good so then they begged everybody to stay.

...then in one of Josh's meeting the oh so honest Brian stands up and says 'oh there is no need to worry, I had a dream last night that next month we were going to get a flood of students and everything is going to work out, so stop worrying'... seriously dude? Oh yes great Brian, we're going to rest our families future on your frickin' dream? I think not.

All of these changes have happened in a weeks time. Can you understand why it is so stressful? 

The very latest is that now, Josh is going to get calls from the work insurance people asking us if we have gotten paid and Josh is not supposed to go anywhere near a class room if he is not teaching (which includes our gym and cooking room) because they don't want him to be perceived as working when he is really not. But then the school asked all the teachers to lie if we have not gotten paid because sometimes they can be a day or two off, so if the work insurance people call asking the school just wants us to say 'yes' and we're supposed to get it within the next couple of days. 

Josh and I don't like it here. We never really have.  We don't like working for people that lie all the time, that don't manage anything well, that don't respect their teachers... who would? We would love nothing more then for Josh to get a job in the States and go home. Unfortunately it's just not that easy. We are under a lot of stress because if we stay and this place goes under then we are just stuck in Korea with no place to go and no way to get home. If we go home without a job for Josh then we're a different kind of stuck there. 

I know so many people right now may be reading this and saying 'well Kayla, if you have faith then you shouldn't be stressed, you shouldn't have a heavy heart' but I don't look at it that way. Yes, that would be great, but  I don't think that I'm sinning or being disobedient or not having true faith. I say to all of those people, have you ever been in a stressful situation? You can have all the faith in the world but you still wonder what is going to happen and you still try your hardest to make things work, you don't just wait for the world to fall into your lap, things take work, and time. God can provide opportunities, but you have to realize them, find them, do some work once you find them. 

So my heart is heavy, I look at pictures and things from home and I just want to be there. Things here just don't feel right anymore. I used to have peace about living here, but now neither of us have peace about living here. We prayed for months when we got here for God to give us peace about living here, then he did... then the peace got taken away even after we prayed for it again and now we both feel the need then for nothing else but to go home to friends and family. There is no peace left about Korea. Unless God gives us the peace again, we will not feel comfortable about living here. We have peace that God will do what is best for us and provide, but yet my heart if heavy. Heavy because of the unknown, heavy because I miss friends and family, heavy because I don't like Korea, heavy because I don't know what to do other then to have faith.